2013 Word

I have been getting words popping in my head for the past couple days. I've been praying and reflecting on the year ahead and really wondering how this year's word would inspire me. There have been a couple goofy ones - "clean" being one of them. A few that are in the same theme - inspire, complete (not in the wholeness way but in the finish way), and then came this one.....

Cultivate

cul·ti·vate tr.v. cul·ti·vat·ed, cul·ti·vat·ing, cul·ti·vates

1.a. To improve and prepare (land), as by plowing or fertilizing, for raising crops; till.

   b. To loosen or dig soil around (growing plants).

2. To grow or tend (a plant or crop).

3. To promote the growth of (a biological culture).

4. To nurture; foster. See Synonyms at nurture.

5. To form and refine, as by education.

6. To seek the acquaintance or goodwill of; make friends with.

I want to cultivate better relationships, better eating habits, get into a better exercise routine (and stick with it!!), and to cultivate a better, closer relationship with the Lord. I have goals that I want to cultivate and actually accomplish. It's a big word with big potential. 

A couple of goals for this year:

• cultivate new and lasting relationships. Venture outside of my comfort zone and put myself out there to meet people and connect. 
• do my first Sun Run. Signed up and ready to work. I'm so excited and nervous. It's going to be tough, but I'm so looking forward to it! 
• have a regular exercise program. I want to make some big changes in this department. If you know me, you know that I'm not an "exerciser". I work better with a dance studio, dance routine, and some mirrors. I don't love the gym and machines are not my favourite. 
• spend time with God everyday. I am not doing so great with this yet... but it's still only January. My relationship with the Lord has taken a turn to the "hum drums" but I know that it's not forever and it's only a season. Time to move from one season on to the next. 
• work on my relationship with my hubby. We both work higher stress level jobs and come home exhausted half the time, so we have to really work at having a relationship besides passing in the hallways and kissing each other good night. Not to say that we have a lot of extra circular activities but that when we come home, we don't really have the energy to pour into each other. It's something that we have to work at. Every. Day!

It's going to be a good year and I want to look back on this list and say "I did that"! I'm really going to have to work at some of them and I want to update where I'm at more frequently. 

2013 is going to have some highlights and I'm fully prepared for the low lights but I'm looking at the good things and wanting to achieve them. 

Phil 4:13: I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Rom 12:2: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2 Timothy 4:3-4

³ For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. ⁴ They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.

Isaiah 30:8-21

 ⁸ Go now, write it on a tablet for them,
   inscribe it on a scroll,
that for the days to come
   it may be an everlasting witness.
⁹ These are rebellious people, deceitful children,
   children unwilling to listen to the LORD’s instruction.
¹⁰ They say to the seers,
   “See no more visions!”
and to the prophets,
   “Give us no more visions of what is right!
Tell us pleasant things,
   prophesy illusions.
¹¹ Leave this way,
   get off this path,
and stop confronting us
   with the Holy One of Israel!”
 ¹² Therefore, this is what the Holy One of Israel says:
   “Because you have rejected this message,
   relied on oppression
   and depended on deceit,
¹³ this sin will become for you
   like a high wall, cracked and bulging,
   that collapses suddenly, in an instant.
¹⁴ It will break in pieces like pottery,
   shattered so mercilessly
that among its pieces not a fragment will be found
   for taking coals from a hearth
   or scooping water out of a cistern.”
 ¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,
   but you would have none of it.
¹⁶ You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’
   Therefore you will flee!
You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’
   Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
¹⁷ A thousand will flee
   at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
   you will all flee away,
till you are left
   like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
   like a banner on a hill.”
 ¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!
 ¹⁹ O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. ²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

AMEN!!!

new year and new perspective

I haven't written since november and I think it's given me a chance to really think about stuff. it's tough to say what's on your heart when your heart is so heavy with sadness and depression. I hate to admit when I'm going through season of depression, as it's not something I like to give power over me. I've watched so many people go through harder things in life, I've gone through things that I thought were harder in life. I'm starting to see that it's not what's difficult in life, it's what you make of it. if you give in to the despair, you will become consumed by it. I fight all the time to rise above the despair and at times it feels hopeless and others I feel like I've made huge progress.

it's like this, you find yourself so buried in your own junk that you can't see what's out there around you.

so for this year, I have decided that I will let myself hurt but not let it become my only focus. I will let myself be sad, but I won't let it become depression. I will let myself be open to my family and close friends, but I won't let this define me or who I am.

I will gain focus of who I am, and be happy in that. I will remember the things that make me happy and let myself enjoy those things whenever I can have the chance to do them. I will try new things. I will conquer fears of things that I didn't think I had been fearful of. I will read the books on my shelf that I have been wanting to finish, but haven't done so yet. I will go for counselling and stick it out until I feel that I'm becoming whole again. my husband will be more of a focus for me. I won't worry about the laundry, the toilets that haven't been cleaned, the TV shows I have DVR'd to watch, I will focus on him and show him how important to me he is.

I will make Jesus and getting closer to Him a priority for this year and make it a habit for the years to come. I want to show the world that I belong to Him and that I live my life passionately for Him always!

here's to 2012!

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love HIM" 1 Cor 2:9 

starting now

for the past 2 years my husband and I have been on the journey of trying to conceive a child. we have been unsuccessful thus far. we have had our hopes up a couple of months but for the most part, we have had no success. we are both believer's in Christ and we have clung to knowing that God has a plan for our lives. we know that we are on a journey that we are growing on but we don't understand the timing. we thought that when we started trying it would be somewhat simple. we didn't think it would be the easiest process, but we didn't think it would be this tough either. we have been trying to stay focused on God and His plans for our lives but we have also been getting lost in the "why's". lately, it has been more and more difficult. we have had lots of friends conceive and do it quickly, to the point that they are very insensitive to what we've gone through. we are extremely lonely and feel like we are totally alone in the journey. we don't feel that our families understand, even though both sets of parents have been on similar journey's to ours.

i have been online all afternoon looking for Christian sites that i can go to where there might be someone that understands what we've been going through. i came up with little or no help.

we have made it a choice to choose joy when others are successful in conceiving. we have been happy for them, we've bought them gifts, we've been supportive, and yet we're still lonely. we understand that some people may struggle with understanding where we are in life and we don't want to put our hurt and pain onto anyone else. but in the process, we're sinking!

all that this post is for, and this blog, is to allow me a space to get my thoughts and feelings out. they won't always make sense and they won't need anyone else to tell me how to think or feel. it's to get my words out and to find some peace in this journey by finally talking about it. i can't keep this to myself any longer! i'm going to burst if we don't start talking about it in a real way.